Spilled Crayons

I feel so lost inside my own head most days. Like a spilled box of 64 Crayons! They are all mixed up on the floor and you are not sure where to start putting them. Do you organize by color or mix according to shades or match like color wheel?

It seems like maybe I am just alone; that I am the only person in the world who has the issues of dichotomy within my brain. Then I spend some time with other home educating moms and I start to realize how much God has blessed me. I do not have a support group – at times I wish I did – but I hate all the time that it takes to spend with others. I need to change that idea and thought because I am lonely without other people.

I just forget most days that I am blessed.

Right now, I am writing my thoughts and wondering if there is a moment I am missing. Is there a time right now where I am supposed to be helping someone, supposed to be working with someone, supposed to be doing more? How is it that I feel guilty for taking time for me? How is it that I am not the confident person that I want to be or used to be, when I was younger?

Where does the confidence go? How can you no longer have something that is not tangible to lose?

Lord, help me as I try to not compare myself today to anyone else.

Lord, help me as I try to remember that I am who you have created me to be…but I hate not having control, just like the spilled crayons waiting to be picked up.

Feeling Like a Marshmallow

As I was driving around realizing that I must leave this vacation land, I thought to myself that I have not worked out in almost 2 weeks! I then started to realize that when we return to normal life in Indiana with doctor appointments and getting life back into routine, I think I might just look like a marshmallow at the gym.

This made me think that I am starting to feel like a marshmallow; not exercising has become something that I am not used to. I have become addicted or the routine of exercise has become a habit. So, as I am driving to find one simple thing, I started a list in my head of how I am similar to a marshmallow.

1. When put into a tight space with lots of heat, I start to puff up and stick close to those around me, but don't explode. When stuck with a situation (like a toothpick), I can get puffed up and start to jab the other person in the tight space (like a microwave).

2. When put into the fire, I might get burned but inside I am all melted with the pain of being burned. Eventually I might fall off the stick, but I will land in the fire and melt away into the logs for no one to notice.

3. I seem like I would have fun to be around others like me, stuck together we seem to be, until it gets all sloppy and messy and no one can talk anymore. We will then get out and all sticky and messy; I have a tendency to leave quickly from the body of people who get too close to me. (Like the game Chubby Bunny.)

4. Coming from a marshy land and made from a different kind of tree – that is what marshmallows come from. This is also the land that I come from, placed in a different culture with thoughts and ideas. Left on the shelf until someone needs them.

5. Not exercising and sitting around turns my limited muscle into lumpy puffy fat, like a marshmallow.

6. When given a hot drink, like coffee or hot chocolate, I melt!

 

Sunday is Mother's Day

I have just got to get this out of my head, so bear with me. Tomorrow, Sunday - Mother's Day, is a dreaded holiday for me. This year the kids, thank you to my hubby, tried to think of something for me besides the same cards they made last year - however, my hubby did the best and just surprised me with dinner out and contacts!! (Actually only 1 contact because that is all I need!!)

My rant about this holiday (a Hallmark one I might add) is that with our infertility issues and adoption issues, I feel bad or depressed on this holiday. My grandiose thoughts of what my 1st mother's day would be like, just brought back to my mind how many children are without mothers. That first Mother's Day still haunts me. I then thought of how lucky our children are to be in a family - though at times they might disagree! I get depressed because we can not birth our own child. I get depressed thinking of the birth mothers who have lost their children due to their lack of knowledge or care of their children. I think of my friends who have lost a child this year and the pain they will be feeling on a day to celebrate a life they brought into this world. I will grieve with all the other women who have lost a child in some form some where and I will be glad to be a mom, but sad that other women are hurting just as I have and do.

It is this pain that I recognize when I attend church. It is the pain that I see when women see a Mother's Day sign in a store window and they know why they are not a mother or no longer a mother to a child. I see pain in a holiday when a mother recognizes that their child has turned their heart away from the way they tried to raise them. These pains are what I think of on Mother's Day.

I know that God has everything in control and it is all about HIM, but to go to church on Mother's Day just makes me nausea. I am always thinking that I will end up at a church like the one I grew up in; you know the ones that have contests to see which mom is...blah, blah, blah. These contests just reminds me that every family is different. That every Mom is different. So, tomorrow, when we attend church, I will be a little sad, but will put a smile on if we attend one that gives a flower to a female. I will sit quietly through the sermon on a woman who was a great Mom in the Bible. Prayfully, I will come home and read a great book or play a game with my kids. This will be my mother's day - being the mom that God has called me to, hopefully, to more children as time allows.

This is not to say that my mother is not a great mom. NO that is not it as all, I love my mother, she is one of my best friends! My mother is celebrated regardless of what Day it is - no matter the calendar, my brothers and I always rely on Mom to help us. She is an amazing woman that I pray I can measure up to someday. She has more patience with me than I have with me! Just today I read a letter she wrote me on the day of my high school graduation. I cried like a baby as I read the words that forever changed my life. My mother loved me so much she gave me away to God and know look at what God has done with me. It is because of my mother that I am a mother. She went with me to get my 1st daughter. She cries with me monthly as I realize my age and my hormones don't agree. She rubs my back when I just need someone to cuddle with and my hubby is not home. She is a MOM!! I love my mama and hope my children say the same for me someday. It is the fact that Sunday, there will be women in pain all over the world and I pray that I am sensitive to the their needs.

Time for the Party to End

The last post made me realize that I was and have been having my own pity party. Part of this comes because I have been running in the cold rain today and realized that throughout my life I compare myself to those I am surrounded by. This is a part of life that I most detest, and yet I find myself doing it daily. It - being comparing myself to others. As I was running, lonely on the road, I was enjoying my time not comparing myself to anyone!

I have been studying the book of Daniel the past couple of days, yes, I broke down and bought myself a study book to learn more about this book of the Bible that I have read, but do not feel that I am knowledgeable of its context. I wanted to share some of the insights that I gained the past few days. I learned that Daniel's situation is not much different than my own or our families. God moved him or allowed him to be moved to a new place that he did not know. While in this place, Daniel followed God's teaching even while he was someplace that he is not used to living. He was vegetarian for 10 days to prove that God provides to those who follow Him. Daniel is faithful to God by letting himself be tested – confidence in the work that God is doing in his life. He trusted God to not allow him to die by testing the food the King or man to the food that God has set for the people of Judah. Daniel was given a special gift from God to use for His glory – discernment. This gift was spoken by many to be given to Kylee Boden, my I wish that I could have this gift as well; it seems that the people who are gifted with discernment are special people in the church. Through this gift, Daniel was making sure that God received the glory for all that He did through Daniel. The final insight that I gained was that Daniel remained where he was put by God or where God allowed him to be. Daniel did not run away and try to go back to the land that he was taken from; he remained there in the King's palace in obedience.

These insights into Daniel just remind me on the gray, cold rainy days here in Indiana to just be obedient to where God has me, confident in God's will, and use my gifts that God has given me regardless of if I compare to anyone else or not! So goodbye pity party, it is time for me to take back my life and be focused on God's will and not my own.

Mortality of Hope

Just the other day, a dear soul passed from this earth. With her she takes an infectious smile and laugh, a pure joy and quite spirit of a woman bearing the fruits of the spirit. See, for me, she was a person who impacted my life more than she knows or that anyone will ever remember. She was 2 years younger than me and she taught me what a person is about when they are IN LOVE with Jesus. You could see her gentle spirit, her love for life, and her passion for purity that she worked so hard towards. Kylee and I met at Summer Camp after my senior year of high school; she was a sophomore in high school. She was so IN LOVE with Jesus I was jealous. (Or is envious the right word?) Either way, I wanted to have that same passion, that same purity of heart, that same expression of my love of Jesus through my eyes. After that summer we kept in touch through random letters, and then I got married and we no longer kept in touch, but her memory was with me. She had a tremendous impact on me.

With Kylee Kingley Boden's passing, I have been thinking about my own mortality and my own passion. I have been thinking about my own love. For me, I feel like there is a difference between those people that love Jesus and those who are IN LOVE with Jesus. Kind of like being married…I love my husband, but some days I don't feel that I am IN LOVE with him. Just as it takes work to stay married, it takes work to remain close to God. I have the belief that God never leaves us, it is us that leaves Him. It is me that walks away from his outstretched hand. It is me who makes the decision to just do as I want and not think about whether or not it is the decision of following my Lord's will. It is the lack of full surrender. So it is my own fault that I cannot find my passion for Christ or that I am not IN LOVE with my Savior. I can't blame anyone but myself.

As I write this I am fighting depression. It has been coming on for over a year. I am not enjoying life or the choices that I seem to be making for myself. I am battling the scars left from working in churches – they can be painful places. I am battling the scars of emotional battles with children, infertility, finances, and the ever dreaded comparisons that woman do with each other. I am battling my own brain and what I know is right and pure and what seems to be right in the world. I know that as I write this I am battling Satan and his demon of doubt. A part of all this thought, all these emotions and battles within my head, is that there is a pretty big battle going on; a large dangerous battle that I cannot face alone. I can't imagine if I was also fighting even larger demons than just doubt – ones that carry serious illness… I would be a wreck (though I feel like one now). The depression did not start with Kylee's death, no it started when something inside me died. I am so tired of fighting battles that I give up more times than finish the battle, never knowing what the outcome will be. Instead of fighting through the battle, I will just succumb to being the loser. This is a part of me that I truly dislike. This is a part of me that I am completely aware of, but a part that I let win more often than I should.

To question what inside me died, I have only been able to identify as hope. It scares me to think that I might have allowed my hope to be left somewhere else or maybe I hid it away. That hope is something you can lose, like loose change, scares me and reminds me of the story of the woman who lost her coin in the Gospels. So I wonder, what is really making me feel as if I have lost my way, as if I am all alone in this world? I know that it is me that makes the choice to leave God just as it is me that makes the choice to love my husband. So it is only me that makes the choice to either be in love with Jesus or say that I am a Jesus follower.

So it is here in cyberspace, in the infinite place of our constant life, that I leave my own questions of doubt and commit to attempting to pull myself back into the battle, scars and all to regain my own passion, purity of heart and place where I can be fully surrendered to my Savior and find peace of where I put my hope.

As Iron Sharpens Iron

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

• Prov. 27:17
  

 

In the past few years my father has become a very good chef. When asked "what is the one thing he thinks is important for a starting, want-to-be cook to have;" he responds "a good quality knife. If a cook has a good quality knife, sharpened, freshly out of the package, cutting anything makes the job easier and much more fun." It becomes a new experience. The problem with this type of quality knife is that it needs to be sharpened on a regular basis, after every few uses. It only takes 5 simple strokes to create a sharpened blade that is as sharp as the original day used fresh out of the package, when the proper stone is used.

This too is how our spiritual life should be. Whenever, after a few days or trials, we feel that we need to be sharpened, we need to rely on our stone or Christian friends who will help sharpen us back to the original quality we had when we first fell in love with Christ. These friends should not fear being put into a compromising position since we are to help each other, keep each other accountable. We need to be there to be rubbed against by those who need some sharpening. It is not only us who are being a stone that receives some new polishing or sharpening, but we are helping someone to be returned to the same new package quality, but also the other person who is helping us. That other person who is giving is also receiving. It is a mutual sharpening that occurs when we try to make sure we are able to serve others with our knowledge and life skills that give us some sharpening from the person sharing their experiences with us. These opportunities are many times missed in our day and culture, but it is something we should be aware of if we want to be quality pieces that can be used by God. We need to be a quality kitchen knife ready to be used by the Chef.

 

Prayer thought: Ask God to open your heart to a relationship that helps sharpen you. If you do not already have one, ask God to open your eyes to a person who could do that for you. Ask for courage to approach that person to help keep you accountable.

i've got an idea

When will a dependence racket the young cathedral?

yes, a random sentence for me to see if this company that I am trying is legit. So please bear with me as you see the random words that mean nothing to me, but they must check that this is a legit blog as well!

funny huh, but a mom will do what a mom will do!

Insomnia

As I lay awake last night, trying to sleep LOTS of ideas and thoughts come to mind. It is strange that an almost quiet room, with the sound of people breathing heavily in deep slumber, neighbor's dogs barking, and cars traveling up and down the busy street next to our house, can cause a mind to wander like it does. The idea of blogging came to mind and that I should get up out of bed and go blog…maybe forcing the ideas out of my mind and creating a tired mind. However, every time I moved, my littlest that sleeps with us, would move as well to remind me that she too was awake. She was not able to fall back to sleep last night. Together we snuggled and I praised God for this opportunity…she is getting too big too fast. I wish I could bottle her up and not let her grow up, but daily as I watch her grow, her understanding of life and God just fascinates me. It is truly a joy to watch her grow…so I let her!

 

While lying there, my mind kept me up because I wonder why our 7 (soon to be 8 year old) still wets her bed. I was thankful that she actually came up to tell us instead of just laying in her bed! However, she does not understand unmaking the bed or should I say she refuses to learn because she thinks the pee is gross (irony is completely lost on her). So, I am the half awake woman doing laundry at 4:00 am because it stinks so badly and I don't want the mattress to get ruined. All the while, my DH is talking to her to see if she knows why she just wets the bed. Of course, there is no answer. Nothing other than, "I just did." As I look through the late night or early morning events, I wonder how this all relates to life in a spiritual realm. We as Christians are so similar to our bed wetting daughter. She often times will just lie in her pee, not wanting to leave it – just like we lie in our sin. We hate the results of it, and know it is gross, but yet we still do it. Our response to God is not much better than our bed wetter's response – "I just did it."

 

Though the response is simple and there is not much as parents you can say other than discuss the ramifications of why lying your own urine is not sanitary, the idea of "I just did it" is one that baffles my mind. Do I also give this response to God when I am not following His ways? Do I just do things without thinking of the outcome and consequences? Do I also just do things and not worry about what is going to happen to others who are a part of the family? Does God feel the same empty feeling I get from this response that this child does not want a relationship with me, trust me or want to talk with me? Does God feel these same things? These questions are part of my insomnia. Not only am I letting my mind wander in the ways of what God is thinking, but I start praying. I pray for answers to what to do to be a better parent, wife, mother, Christian leader and simply Christian. I pray for the children who don't have parents that care about the child's needs or any of their issues. I pray for my family that we do not go through life simply living by the motto of "I just did it" like the Nike ad suggests. We are Christians, on a journey with God, not working on our own just doing as we please. There are many times in the day, though I feel like I am pleasing God, I wonder if I am just doing it or if I am really following God's path for my journey.

 

As I dream of more children, I am thinking of God and His desires as well. He desires to have a relationship with us and with others. Many times I see the journey of adoption as just another way that God is showing us, my DH and I, our own miserable path. We are neither perfect, nor great Christians, simply forgiven sinners trying to worship God in all areas of our life. We struggle like many, but the moment we took the first leap of faith to follow God in adopting children that others may not have wanted, we have seen God bless our lives in MANY other ways. Yes, daily I struggle with the issue of not enough money to survive, or at least it feels this way. But yet, we are not hungry, we have a place to live and clothes on our backs. We are blessed. We commit to adopt a child that we did not think would be ever able to come home, and God blesses our faithfulness in following through on a commitment of loving those that others think are unlovable. No, we are not currently working towards bringing another child home. Our international journey of adoption currently is on hold and currently not going to be heading back to Liberia anytime soon. We are working on getting our family in line with God's plan before we move ahead again. There are days the infertility is too hard for me personally, but then a child that I have been given the chance to raise says something and God reminds me…His path for my journey.

 

Though I see my life at night without sleep as being rough, crying or weeping because all I want to do is sleep – I am reminded on this night of insomnia that God provides when we are remaining faithful. So as we go through our daily struggles –as I struggle with the many issues within my own head as a SAHM, homeschooling-pastor's wife- God will provide when we remain faithful to what His will is for our lives. Remaining strong to my convictions of how to raise a family, remaining strong to my daily reading of what God is wanting me to learn, remaining strong through the growing pains of Christianity, I am on yet still a continued journey of adoption; the adoption of children into our home and our adoption into God's family.